Pieces of Me

When my cousin Madison was around 2 years old I started babysitting her. That summer we spent almost every day together. My aunt Kim was pregnant and busy helping uncle Dave with his dental practice, so I helped by watching Maddie.
This was by far one of the best summers of my life.
Maddie was a funny little girl. She was very particular about who she liked. She likes things a certain way. Which makes it a little difficult for her to deal with change. It took her a while to get used to having me around.
We used to watch The Wiggles all the time. And when I put her down for her nap, I would sing to her. That was the summer that Ashley Simpson was popular and so I would always sing "Pieces of Me". And then we would sit on the couch together and look out the window and wait for Kim to come home.

Maddie and I developed a special connection. She's my girl.


I remember a few summers later when Maddie turned 4. I had been away at college and was home for the summer. It was her birthday party and I went with Gramma and Gramper. We got out of the car and were walking towards the party when Maddie saw us. I remember she was wearing her hair in pigtails and she was wearing a pink sweatshirt and rain boots (even though it was summer, it was still raining. We're from Seattle people). I remember her marching up to us, passing Gramma and Gramper and came straight to me. I picked her up and she hugged me, and wouldn't let me go.
I love this girl more than words can express.
Imagine how hard it was for me to tell her I was going to serve a mission. I had to explain to her that I wouldn't get to see her for a year and a half. I wouldn't be able to come home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter. I would miss her birthday and wouldn't be able to call and talk to her on the phone.
Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I'd had to do. I knew she would continue to grow up...and I wasn't going to be there.

I've been home from my mission for over a year. I had lived away from home before I went away to Germany. But that was different. I came home every summer. I was home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And now I live in Utah. I can't go home for the whole summer or even be there for Thanksgiving.
While I was home for Christmas a few weeks ago, Maddie asked me why I live here in Utah. She didn't understand why I couldn't come home like I used to. I had to explain to her that I would so much rather live at home so I could see her all the time, but I feel like God wants me to be in Utah. Man, that broke my heart.
While I was on my mission, her mother had another girl. Payton. She looks almost exactly like Madison looked when she was Payton's age. One of the many reasons it was hard for me to leave on my mission was that I knew that Kim was going to have Payton, and I wasn't going to be apart of this little girl's life like I had been for Maddie and her brother James.
The first time I ever saw Payton, she looked at me, waved and said "goodbye". She thought I was a babysitter and she didn't want me around.
This Christmas, was another story. It was like re-living Maddie all over again. Payton let me hold her and we spent most of the evening together. It was like being with my little girl all over again.

I wish with all my heart that I could spend more time with them, my girls. I'm SO grateful to have them in my life.


I hope that Maddie always knows how much I love her.

"On a Monday, I am waiting. Tuesday, I am fading. And by Wednesday, I can't sleep. Then the phone rings, I hear you. And the darkness is a clear view. Cuz you've come to rescue me. Fall...With you, I fall so fast. I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts...



Ohhhhh. It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real. I like the way that feels. Ohhhhh. It's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself. I love how you can tell all the pieces, pieces, pieces of me. All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...



I am moody, messy. I get restless, and it's senseless. How you never seem to care. When I'm angry, you listen. When you're happy, it's a mission. And you wont stop 'til I'm there. Fall...Sometimes I fall so fast. Well, I hit that bottom. Crash, you're all I have...



Ohhhhh. It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real. I like the way that feels. Ohhhhh. It's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself. I love how you can tell all the pieces, pieces, pieces of me. All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...



How do you know everything I'm about to say? Am I that obvious? And if it's written on my face...I hope it never goes away...yeah. On a Monday, I am waiting. And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...So I can breathe...



Ohhhhh. It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real. I like the way that feels. Ohhhhh. It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself. I love how you can tell. Ohhhhh. I love how you can tell. Ohhhhh. I love how you can tell all the pieces, pieces, pieces of me. All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me..."