My absolute worst fear...

I'm sitting on the couch in the dark in my almost empty apartment wearing my running shoes and workout clothes. My roommates have moved out, leaving me to finish going through the stuff they left behind and to finish cleaning whatever they didn't clean, while trying to pack and move my own stuff. And I am doing all I can to keep myself from crying. I can't remember the last time I felt so alone.
Now I understand that the situation I'm currently in is my own damn fault. I should have worked it out sooner. But with the stress of my job and planning to move out and the fact that I don't like to ask people for favors are a few of the reasons I waited so long. I also would rather not have to call any of my family here in Utah. I have to be moved out of my apartment by midnight tomorrow night and I can't move into my new apartment until they call me. So at this moment I will be homeless tomorrow night.
I'd do almost anything if I didn't have to stay with my dad's mom - her condo is a little crowded these days. But staying with her is the most logical thing for me to do. I finally gathered up the courage to call her a few days ago...and every day since then... she's out of town and her cell phone isn't working.
I'd also rather not have to stay with my mom's brother and his family because they live all the way up in Salt Lake City - which is almost an hour away and I have to work almost every day this week.
And to top it all off - my friends are out of town. Hence me sitting here alone.
This is when the title of this blog post comes in.....
My absolute worst fear in the whole entire world is disappointing my father. And to hear him say the words "I wish you had..." is the one phrase that will haunt me for the rest of my life. That phrase "I wish you had..." has disappointment embedded in it's meaning and tone of voice that it's said in.
I talked to my dad briefly on the phone today. As I asked him for his mother's cellphone number and upon hearing that I hadn't gotten a hold of her so I could find a place to stay, I heard that phrase, "I wish you had..." which then left me sitting on the floor of my bedroom crying. I had disappointed my father. I should have been more on top of things and if I had been I wouldn't be in this situation. I should be more perfect. This then made me slightly angry and wanting to go for a run so I could think things through. So on a Sunday evening I put on my headphones and went for a run hoping to clear my mind. Which only led me to think more about what I had just heard my father say to me, which led to more tears until now, as I sit in the dark in my workout clothes typing this blog post.
Feeling like my father is disappointed with me makes me think of my Heavenly Father. If my earthly father is disappointed with me, surely my Heavenly Father feels the same way. And even more so because He knows EVERYTHING about me. I know that I should probably have more faith that things will work out - but I 'm the one who put myself in this sitaution. I feel stupid expecting Heavenly Father to magically work things out for me. Not that I don't want Him too but miracles are meant for people who are more faithful and Christ-like.
I can't figure out why I actually took the time to type this blog entry. And as I read through this entry I realize that I probably sound really dramatic. It's probably stress and lack of sleep, plus I'm a girl. But as I was crying on the couch all I wanted to do was type out how I was feeling. I doubt many people read my blog but maybe someone understands how I feel. I know that my mission blog helped people who read it. I only hope this blog can do the same.