I did it.
I feel just like the girl in the holiday after she told her ex that she was offically through with him:
"I have a life to start living! And YOU'RE not going to be in it. Now if you don't mind, I have some place very important I need to be. So you need to get the hell out."
Then she pushes him out the door and slams it shut. Then she turns around, throws her hands in the air, and yells "weeee!"
Now, I didn't push this guy out the door or tell him to get the hell out. But as he walked away I had an overwhelming feeling of empowerment. Instead of being the best friend, I took charge and decided that I want to be the leading lady in my life.
I have a life to start living...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The Holiday
i don't know if any of you have seen the movie The Holiday. i've watched it twice this week.
this is how it begins:
i have found almost everything ever written about love to be true
Shakespeare said "journeys end in lovers meeting"
oh, what an extraordinary thought
personally i have not experienced anything remotely close to that
but i am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had
i suppose i think about love more than anyone really should
i'm constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives
it was Shakespeare who also said, "love is blind"
now, that is something i know to be true
for some, quite inexplicably, love fades
for others, love is simply lost
but then, of course, love can also be found
even if just for the night
and then there's another kind of love
the cruelest kind
the one that almost kills it victims
it's called, unrequited love
of that, i am an expert
most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other
but what about the rest of us?
what about our stories?
those of us who fall in love alone
we are the victims of the one-sided affair
we are the cursed of the loved ones
we are the unloved ones
the walking wounded
the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space
...i've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back
okay so guys i'm NOT in love, can i just say that? i have yet to experience being 'in love' with someone.
but i do know what it's like to LIKE someone.
i've been cursed by liking men who do not and will not like me back.
why does this always happen to me? and if you're about to respond to that by saying "because you haven't met 'the one' yet" - i might have to hurt you
oh it's not that these men don't 'like' me back - they do like me at first. which is what grabs my attention. and then once i'm interested they run. away. they may stay interested for a little while. but they all run.
i'm not asking for a husband. i'm asking for a boyfriend. a boy, who is my friend, who WANTS to DATE me.
is that too much to ask?
okay so back to the movie. this girl (the one who said all that stuff in the beginning of the movie) is eating dinner on a Saturday night with an old man. he asks her why she decided to spend her Christmas holiday alone. she said it's because she wants to escape her ex-boyfriend who won't let her go...
"so he's a schmuck." as a matter of fact, he is a huge schmuck. how did you know? "he let you go. this is not a hard one to figure out. in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. you, i can tell, are a leading lady. but for some reason you're behaving like the best friend" you're so right. you're suppose to be the leading lady of your own life...
is it awful to not want to be friends with someone? i always struggle with this idea because i believe that we should be like Jesus. Jesus, i believe, would be friends with everyone (if they let Him). obviously it's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be your friend. but is it awful to not want to be friends with someone who just wants to be friends? (could i say that in a more confusing way?)
say, for example, that a boy acts like he wants to date a girl. everything that he does alludes to the idea that he really likes her. but then changes his mind and decides that he just wants to be friends. would the girl be unChristlike if she decided she didn't want to be friends with him? what if being just friends with this boy actually really hurts this girl. is it better that she play the part of the best friend OR drop the boy and be the leading lady of her own life?
it turned out that he wasn't in love with me like i thought
what i'm trying to say is,
i understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible
and how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you
and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get,
or gyms you join,
or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends
you still go to bed every night going over every detail
and wonder what you did wrong
or how you could have misunderstood
and how in the hell, for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy?
and sometimes you can even convince yourself
that he'll see the light and show up at your door
and after all that,
however long 'all that' may be,
you'll go somewhere new
and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again
and little pieces of your soul will finally come back
so that little speech is probably one of my favorite parts of the movie. and please DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA - i'm NOT miserable. i'm FINE. (i had to put that side note in there because i know there will be some of you who will read this and think that i'm just miserable and something is terribly wrong. DON'T PANIC.)
i love that part because there have been times during my life when i have felt exactly what she describes. i think my favorite part is when she says "sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door"
i should go on holiday.
like to Seattle.
to be with the people who ALWAYS make me feel worthwhile.
so i'm thinking like....in two weeks?
um yes, i think that's brilliant. in two weeks i'm going on holiday...
this is how it begins:
i have found almost everything ever written about love to be true
Shakespeare said "journeys end in lovers meeting"
oh, what an extraordinary thought
personally i have not experienced anything remotely close to that
but i am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had
i suppose i think about love more than anyone really should
i'm constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives
it was Shakespeare who also said, "love is blind"
now, that is something i know to be true
for some, quite inexplicably, love fades
for others, love is simply lost
but then, of course, love can also be found
even if just for the night
and then there's another kind of love
the cruelest kind
the one that almost kills it victims
it's called, unrequited love
of that, i am an expert
most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other
but what about the rest of us?
what about our stories?
those of us who fall in love alone
we are the victims of the one-sided affair
we are the cursed of the loved ones
we are the unloved ones
the walking wounded
the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space
...i've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back
okay so guys i'm NOT in love, can i just say that? i have yet to experience being 'in love' with someone.
but i do know what it's like to LIKE someone.
i've been cursed by liking men who do not and will not like me back.
why does this always happen to me? and if you're about to respond to that by saying "because you haven't met 'the one' yet" - i might have to hurt you
oh it's not that these men don't 'like' me back - they do like me at first. which is what grabs my attention. and then once i'm interested they run. away. they may stay interested for a little while. but they all run.
i'm not asking for a husband. i'm asking for a boyfriend. a boy, who is my friend, who WANTS to DATE me.
is that too much to ask?
okay so back to the movie. this girl (the one who said all that stuff in the beginning of the movie) is eating dinner on a Saturday night with an old man. he asks her why she decided to spend her Christmas holiday alone. she said it's because she wants to escape her ex-boyfriend who won't let her go...
"so he's a schmuck." as a matter of fact, he is a huge schmuck. how did you know? "he let you go. this is not a hard one to figure out. in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. you, i can tell, are a leading lady. but for some reason you're behaving like the best friend" you're so right. you're suppose to be the leading lady of your own life...
is it awful to not want to be friends with someone? i always struggle with this idea because i believe that we should be like Jesus. Jesus, i believe, would be friends with everyone (if they let Him). obviously it's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be your friend. but is it awful to not want to be friends with someone who just wants to be friends? (could i say that in a more confusing way?)
say, for example, that a boy acts like he wants to date a girl. everything that he does alludes to the idea that he really likes her. but then changes his mind and decides that he just wants to be friends. would the girl be unChristlike if she decided she didn't want to be friends with him? what if being just friends with this boy actually really hurts this girl. is it better that she play the part of the best friend OR drop the boy and be the leading lady of her own life?
it turned out that he wasn't in love with me like i thought
what i'm trying to say is,
i understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible
and how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you
and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get,
or gyms you join,
or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends
you still go to bed every night going over every detail
and wonder what you did wrong
or how you could have misunderstood
and how in the hell, for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy?
and sometimes you can even convince yourself
that he'll see the light and show up at your door
and after all that,
however long 'all that' may be,
you'll go somewhere new
and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again
and little pieces of your soul will finally come back
so that little speech is probably one of my favorite parts of the movie. and please DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA - i'm NOT miserable. i'm FINE. (i had to put that side note in there because i know there will be some of you who will read this and think that i'm just miserable and something is terribly wrong. DON'T PANIC.)
i love that part because there have been times during my life when i have felt exactly what she describes. i think my favorite part is when she says "sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door"
i should go on holiday.
like to Seattle.
to be with the people who ALWAYS make me feel worthwhile.
so i'm thinking like....in two weeks?
um yes, i think that's brilliant. in two weeks i'm going on holiday...
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I Feel Pretty/Unpretty
This is the version that played on TV for anyone who watched this Glee episode. I pasted the lyrics from the whole song though because they didn't show the second verse. That one is my favorite.
I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful, but what does that mean to you ?
Look into the mirror who’s inside there ?
The one with the long hair
Same old me again today
My outsides are cool, my insides are blue
Everytime I think I’m through it’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same
At the end of the day I have myself to blame
I’m just trippin’
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out:
Who am I to be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty?
I feel pretty, oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright
Never insecure until I met you now I’m being stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy?
Maybe get rid of you and then I’ll get back to me
My outsides look cool, my insides are blue
Everytime I think I’m through it’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same
At the end of the day I have myself to blame
Keep on trippin’
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out:
Who am I to be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty ?
I feel pretty, oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright
And I pity any girl who isn't me tonight
I feel pretty (You can buy your hair if it won’t grow)
Oh so pretty (You can fix your nose if he says so)
I feel pretty and witty and bright (You can buy all the make-up that M.A.C. can make)
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out:
Who am I to be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty?
I feel pretty but unpretty
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Happy Father's Day!
Today is Father's Day
This is by far my FAVORITE picture of me and my Dad. This was taken at the SeaTac airport just as I came home from my mission. It was the first time I had seen my Dad in 18 months, a whole year and a half.
I love Frank Sinatra because Daddy loved him first. He used to sing Frank Sinatra to me when I was baby. Every time I hear the song, "The Way You Look Tonight" I can't help but think of my Dad.
I love to sing because Daddy loved to first. He encouraged me to take singing lessons. My FAVORITE times spent with my Dad have been when we're singing together at the piano.
I love to play soccer because Daddy loved to first. He played soccer for BYU in college. I kept playing because I wanted to make him proud and because he'd come to my games. I remember watching a home video of me playing soccer. This is how it went: Dad is filming me. I'm on defense. I'm doing kart wheels and dancing around. Dad is yelling at me to pay attention. Also when I ran, I had like this girly dance run where I pointed my toes. I can only imagine his frustration. He was taking it seriously and I was dancing around. bwahaha
I love scary upside-down roller coaster amusement park rides because Daddy liked them first. I remember when we lived in CA and we went to the city fair and there were amusement rides. I remember that Dad really wanted to go on this one ride that went upside-down. He tried so hard to get one of the boys to go but they were too scared. I wanted to impress him so I told him that I would go with him. I don't think I'd ever been so scared! But I went anyway because I wanted Dad to be impressed that I would do it and the boys wouldn't. I love those kinds of rides!
I love action-packed superhero guy movies because Dad loved them first. I remember one year for his birthday Dad wanted to go see the mid-night showing of Pirates 2. So I bought the tickets and he drove. We sat in line and talked. I have a hard time going to see those kinds of movies without him.
I love Alias (TV show) because Dad found it first. We bonded over that show. No TV show will ever be able to take it's place. We named our dog after the main character.
I love seminary because Dad loved it first. Dad LOVES teaching seminary. Of course the year or two before I started seminary Dad was released from being a seminary teacher. I was so ticked. I wanted Dad to be my seminary teacher so freaking bad! I woke myself up every morning to go to early morning seminary for four years. I wouldn't miss a day. I knew how important seminary was to Dad, I couldn't let him down.
I love the temple because Dad loved it first. He attends the temple once every week and has for years. When I went through the temple I knew that I was suppose to go every week because that's what Dad did. I now have my own testimony of the importance of temple work.
I love the gospel of Jesus Christ because Dad loved it first. Growing up I knew that church needed to be number one in my life because it was in Dad's. I read my scriptures every night and said my prayers because I knew that's just what you do. My testimony developed and is constantly strengthened because I learned those principles early on in my life.
I love my Savior because Dad loved Him first. I don't know if my Dad will every understand what his example and testimony has done for me. I charish those times I heard him bare his testimony of the Savior while he was bishop. I've seen the Atonement work in his life as he's let the Savior mold him into the man he is today.
I love my Dad because he loved me first.
Happy Father's Day Daddy.
I love you.
This is by far my FAVORITE picture of me and my Dad. This was taken at the SeaTac airport just as I came home from my mission. It was the first time I had seen my Dad in 18 months, a whole year and a half.
I love Frank Sinatra because Daddy loved him first. He used to sing Frank Sinatra to me when I was baby. Every time I hear the song, "The Way You Look Tonight" I can't help but think of my Dad.
I love to sing because Daddy loved to first. He encouraged me to take singing lessons. My FAVORITE times spent with my Dad have been when we're singing together at the piano.
I love to play soccer because Daddy loved to first. He played soccer for BYU in college. I kept playing because I wanted to make him proud and because he'd come to my games. I remember watching a home video of me playing soccer. This is how it went: Dad is filming me. I'm on defense. I'm doing kart wheels and dancing around. Dad is yelling at me to pay attention. Also when I ran, I had like this girly dance run where I pointed my toes. I can only imagine his frustration. He was taking it seriously and I was dancing around. bwahaha
I love scary upside-down roller coaster amusement park rides because Daddy liked them first. I remember when we lived in CA and we went to the city fair and there were amusement rides. I remember that Dad really wanted to go on this one ride that went upside-down. He tried so hard to get one of the boys to go but they were too scared. I wanted to impress him so I told him that I would go with him. I don't think I'd ever been so scared! But I went anyway because I wanted Dad to be impressed that I would do it and the boys wouldn't. I love those kinds of rides!
I love action-packed superhero guy movies because Dad loved them first. I remember one year for his birthday Dad wanted to go see the mid-night showing of Pirates 2. So I bought the tickets and he drove. We sat in line and talked. I have a hard time going to see those kinds of movies without him.
I love Alias (TV show) because Dad found it first. We bonded over that show. No TV show will ever be able to take it's place. We named our dog after the main character.
I love seminary because Dad loved it first. Dad LOVES teaching seminary. Of course the year or two before I started seminary Dad was released from being a seminary teacher. I was so ticked. I wanted Dad to be my seminary teacher so freaking bad! I woke myself up every morning to go to early morning seminary for four years. I wouldn't miss a day. I knew how important seminary was to Dad, I couldn't let him down.
I love the temple because Dad loved it first. He attends the temple once every week and has for years. When I went through the temple I knew that I was suppose to go every week because that's what Dad did. I now have my own testimony of the importance of temple work.
I love the gospel of Jesus Christ because Dad loved it first. Growing up I knew that church needed to be number one in my life because it was in Dad's. I read my scriptures every night and said my prayers because I knew that's just what you do. My testimony developed and is constantly strengthened because I learned those principles early on in my life.
I love my Savior because Dad loved Him first. I don't know if my Dad will every understand what his example and testimony has done for me. I charish those times I heard him bare his testimony of the Savior while he was bishop. I've seen the Atonement work in his life as he's let the Savior mold him into the man he is today.
I love my Dad because he loved me first.
Happy Father's Day Daddy.
I love you.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
How to have fun on a Saturday night
How to have fun on a Saturday night: hang out with me and Keri.
Because we do fun things.
Like go bike and roller blade shopping.
At Target: use bikes to get around
You can also use them to shop
But be careful not to use the breaks too quick because you could fall off
You could practice figure skating moves using roller blades
You can also try on a ring that's actually too small and get it stuck on your finger...and have to use lotion to get it off. It's not at all embarrassing....
At Big 5: you can sit in a really large chair
(it's actually really comfy)
You can also play on the exercise equipment, practice more figure skating moves with different roller blades, throw around a pink baseball, try on baseball gloves and walk away wishing you could watch a baseball game.
And that is how you have fun on a Saturday night.
Because we do fun things.
Like go bike and roller blade shopping.
At Target: use bikes to get around
You can also use them to shop
But be careful not to use the breaks too quick because you could fall off
You could practice figure skating moves using roller blades
You can also try on a ring that's actually too small and get it stuck on your finger...and have to use lotion to get it off. It's not at all embarrassing....
At Big 5: you can sit in a really large chair
(it's actually really comfy)
You can also play on the exercise equipment, practice more figure skating moves with different roller blades, throw around a pink baseball, try on baseball gloves and walk away wishing you could watch a baseball game.
And that is how you have fun on a Saturday night.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
the PERFECT man
So I don't know if all the men in Utah are on the same cycle or what but my friends and I have managed to get involved with men who make me want to put my foot in their asses.
It's not fair. My friends are incredible. What guy out there wouldn't want to be with them?! Seriously. Boys, you should consider yourselves lucky if any of my friends decide to take a moment of their precious time to even look at you.
I've thought about all the things my friends have said about these boys, all the things that frustrate them or make them feel bad. And I've thought about the all the guys in my life, all the things that frustrated/frustrate me and all the things that have/do make me feel bad.
I longed to be closer to my Father in Heaven.
Because He is the PERFECT man.
He doesn't make me feel worse about myself.
He doesn't think I'm annoying because I stress.
He doesn't make me feel stupid when I cry.
He doesn't interrupt me when I'm talking.
He doesn't ignore me.
He doesn't take advantage of me when I'm weak.
He doesn't text me - therefore I'm never waiting by my phone.
He doesn't judge me when I analyze everything I say and do.
He knows I'm not perfect (even though I am) and He loves me anyway.
He listens to everything I say and everything I don't say.
He has patience with me and doesn't make me feel bad about it.
He is never too busy.
He never says stupid things.
He sends angels to help me when He can't be there.
He gives me more than I deserve.
He never lets me down.
It's not fair. My friends are incredible. What guy out there wouldn't want to be with them?! Seriously. Boys, you should consider yourselves lucky if any of my friends decide to take a moment of their precious time to even look at you.
I've thought about all the things my friends have said about these boys, all the things that frustrate them or make them feel bad. And I've thought about the all the guys in my life, all the things that frustrated/frustrate me and all the things that have/do make me feel bad.
I longed to be closer to my Father in Heaven.
Because He is the PERFECT man.
He doesn't make me feel worse about myself.
He doesn't think I'm annoying because I stress.
He doesn't make me feel stupid when I cry.
He doesn't interrupt me when I'm talking.
He doesn't ignore me.
He doesn't take advantage of me when I'm weak.
He doesn't text me - therefore I'm never waiting by my phone.
He doesn't judge me when I analyze everything I say and do.
He knows I'm not perfect (even though I am) and He loves me anyway.
He listens to everything I say and everything I don't say.
He has patience with me and doesn't make me feel bad about it.
He is never too busy.
He never says stupid things.
He sends angels to help me when He can't be there.
He gives me more than I deserve.
He never lets me down.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"Stressful people are annoying"
Didn't you know? Apparently stressful people are annoying.
Am I annoying?
Because I stress...a lot.
I don't know if you remember the last time my store manager went out of town. She left me in charge of the store and put me in charge of the floorset. We all managed to survive. The store didn't burn down, no major problems occurred, and I didn't fall apart. Remember when she came back? All I heard for like 3 days was everything that I did wrong. Not that I'm already hard on myself. Needless to say that experience scared me.
Guess what I found out today! My manager is going out of town for a WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK. I'm going to die.
Not only will she be gone a whole week but I'm in charge of another floorset. And I get to run the store WHILE going to school. The assistant manager is pregnant and due in 2 months. The other sales lead lives in Salt Lake and doesn't have a working car. Not to mention that our district manager is concerned that our store manager will be gone for so long. She doesn't think we can handle it.
Just shoot me now.
So not only am I stressed but I'm hormonal and ticked off. This is going to be a great week I know it!
Just let me vent for a second - it's okay for me to be stressed right? I like to have control and so I stress about things I have no control over. Stupid I know. I do like a little bit of stress in my life. But there are times when I tend to go a little overboard and freak out, maybe even panic for a second. But that doesn't mean that I can't handle it. I served a mission in Germany. I can do hard things. I just happen to stress while in the process.
[My poor future husband. Trust me, I know I'm nuts]
Am I annoying?
Because I stress...a lot.
I don't know if you remember the last time my store manager went out of town. She left me in charge of the store and put me in charge of the floorset. We all managed to survive. The store didn't burn down, no major problems occurred, and I didn't fall apart. Remember when she came back? All I heard for like 3 days was everything that I did wrong. Not that I'm already hard on myself. Needless to say that experience scared me.
Guess what I found out today! My manager is going out of town for a WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK. I'm going to die.
Not only will she be gone a whole week but I'm in charge of another floorset. And I get to run the store WHILE going to school. The assistant manager is pregnant and due in 2 months. The other sales lead lives in Salt Lake and doesn't have a working car. Not to mention that our district manager is concerned that our store manager will be gone for so long. She doesn't think we can handle it.
Just shoot me now.
So not only am I stressed but I'm hormonal and ticked off. This is going to be a great week I know it!
Just let me vent for a second - it's okay for me to be stressed right? I like to have control and so I stress about things I have no control over. Stupid I know. I do like a little bit of stress in my life. But there are times when I tend to go a little overboard and freak out, maybe even panic for a second. But that doesn't mean that I can't handle it. I served a mission in Germany. I can do hard things. I just happen to stress while in the process.
[My poor future husband. Trust me, I know I'm nuts]
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